| (no subject) |
[Jan. 5th, 2008|05:37 pm] |
| [ | current Music |
| | the black keys | ] |
oh if there ever was a simpler list of things to accomplish than then one i posted a month or so ago, then uhh, i forgot where i was going with this.
the point is i didn't do shit over my break. which is awesome nonetheless.
i'm more in debt than ever, i did buy presents, i didn't see into the wild, my room has surpassed the definition of messy, i did read a lot, i gained more weight, i didn't get a new camera, and i instead bought a hotel room to save shannon's party.
i did love my break however because i did the last four items on my list perfectly. party and friends. nothing could be better.
the "new" boy is completely out of the picture.
started school on thursday. i haven't even been to my two other classes, but i already foresee this as being horrible, because school always is, and why would that change now?
shannon left for england this morning. i'm going to miss her a lot. these next three months are certainly going to be strange without her.
juno is overrated.
25 more fucking days.
i cannot wait.
well, there's three people in my head that have the answer. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 12th, 2007|06:39 am] |
| [ | current Music |
| | simon & garfunkel. | ] |
it's six in the morning, sleep and i haven't met.
i am pathetic.
it's him again.
it never seems to fail.
the slightest bit of sadness always brings on thoughts of him.
i thought i had you out of my head.
i guess i was wrong.
i did something stupid.
i shouldn't have, but i did.
why?
who knows.
i have gained nothing.
the only reason i can fathom for this all coming about is the stupid boy i am "dating" now. i shouldn't say now, because i'm pretty sure that's over. i managed to fuck up something i never really even had. i had the advantage here, i did everything i didn't do with you. i learned from my mistakes and still... this? i really just don't understand. i don't want to be in a serious relationship, yet somehow he misunderstood that and seems to claim that i am anything but a calm and relaxed girl who doesn't want a boyfriend. i swear i didn't do what i did in the past. i backed off. i didn't even care. what didn't he understand? i like hanging out with my friends, that's what i wanted to do. i barely called, i was fine with talking to him once a week and seeing him twice a month. yet, he tells his friends that i'm too much.
i guess this is all for the better. i should've stopped myself when pretty much all of my friends told me they didn't like him. that should have been a sign. i guess i was just lonely and enjoyed a male companion once in a while. it makes sense, we are complete opposites. complete. i wondered if the kid could even come up with something real to talk about. but oh well, i still went along with it. i think the real reason i liked him so much was because he actually did make a difference in my life. he was the first person to make me stop thinking of you. he made me forget about you. i knew i was finally over you, because of him. it wasn't just a fluke either. i saw other people and they didn't spark that change. he did though. i don't know why, something special i still can't see, but he did. and i was happy with just that. i didn't want to hear about you. your name meant nothing to me. i could have cared less. that is, until now.
i shouldn't make it seem like it's that bad. i haven't reversed my life completely. but i am over you. i really am. you were my first love though, and that, i won't get over. that love will always be apart of me, and who knows, that may have been the only time i will be in love. i think i can live with that, because that kind of love comes with so much. too many things that the person i am cannot seem to handle.
the problem is when my mind starts to wander, and you come back into it. not in the way where i wish i could see you or be with you. not at all. i'm content with you being out of my life, and it should probably continue to be that way. it's just the memories that kill me. although i realize now how cruel our relationship was at times, and how neither one of us was perfect, there was still something special. you probably wouldn't think so anymore, but i still do for some reason. maybe you've already found something that far surpasses what we had, or maybe i'm just not used to having such a bond with another human being. i don't know the answer. possibly the special thing that we did have is exactly what ruined everything. being in a relationship with the same person that you are, doesn't make too much sense i guess. if that's true, then why am i craving something or someone who is so similar to me? i really miss having someone who just gets me. that sounds cliche, but that's really what i want.
it's sad.
i still write like i'm talking to you.
you will never know any of this.
but you are still my you.
and that really is sad.
all dressed up for. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 26th, 2007|11:24 pm] |
| [ | current Music |
| | bob dylan | ] |
i've been out of school for about a week now.
haven't had the chance to enjoy it that much because i worked many hours last week. but this week shall be better.
i want/need to achieve the following:
-pay off credit card debt.
-buy christmas presents.
-clean room.
-clean house.
-read plenty of books.
-lose some weight.
-see "into the wild".
-get a new camera.
-save up for hotel.
-party.
-be with my loves.
-party.
-party.
chances are i'll probably only accomplish the last four items.
and that's absolutely alright with me.
you fake just like a woman. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2007|07:07 pm] |
ohhhhh you.
i am so so so so so close to giving up on school all together. i barely go anymore. i hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this whole boy thing is very confusing. but for once i don't really care. yeah it bothers me sometimes but my emotions refuse to get involved so at the end of the day, i'm happy. it's just a thing either way. something to do, something to fulfill my girl needs. haha. this whole thing with the girls and me and shannon is getting out of control. i sometimes just want to send her a message and be like am i just imagining things or is there really a problem here? and if there is, this is ridiculous, we're fucking twenty years old, almost twenty-one. time should not be wasted on inviting some people here and not there and ruthlessly trying to take some friends from others. it's ridiculous. maybe after this weekend i will send her that message. or not. i shouldn't even be involved but i somehow am, if such a problem even exists. the point is i never used to care, so why do i now? i want that to stop. we need to all get along. that's what the hippie side of me wants.
my dogs are so inlove with me that they're trying to push my laptop off of me as i am writing this.
i think i'm going to start writing up this bitch more often. not for anyone just for the sanity of myself.
music is my boyfriend. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 15th, 2007|12:53 am] |
| [ | current Music |
| | deftones | ] |
i write out of sheer boredom.
ever since i woke up this morning i have done nothing that i needed to.
i play this stupid game on my computer all the fucking time. it is controlling my life. then there's that t.v. thing that i can't seem to get away from either. it's almost one in the morning and i have to be up at six and i haven't done any of my homework, but i am such a bum. i cannot focus on anything related to school. school school school school. it's the same shit every fucking year and i just can't do this anymore. i'm so tired of writing. i'm so tired of taking pointless classes. i am so tired of not being able to enjoy things because there's school the next day and what not. i don't even know why i'm going into business. i fucking hate business. if there is a list out there that specified characteristics of business people i wouldn't match up at all. i have a heart and i care about others and the world and not so much about money, am i in the wrong field or what? sometimes i wish i could just major in history or psychology or something that is really interesting to me. i probably wouldn't mind school as much then. but on the other hand i do eventually need a career and i don't know what i would do with either of those majors. so unfortunately i have to stick with all of these stupid business classes just to major in marketing. i don't even have a problem with marketing but why do i have to take accounting and way too many business calculus classes when i will not need them for marketing? soooo stupid. my goal is that somehow, someway i will do something good with my life and use marketing to reach out to people and promote a good cause for a product, an idea, a company... something. life has to have a purpose and hopefully i can make a difference. either that or i'm going to be swallowed and spit out by corporate america.
hey, there's always the peace corps...
they look more and more appealing everyday.
do they know it's h-a-l-l-o-w-e-e-n? |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 18th, 2007|10:54 pm] |
| [ | current Music |
| | the beatles | ] |
oh flup.
let's not even lie here. this isn't a place for lying.
alright.
i'm kind of over lj.
yeah.
obviously i haven't posted in a while.
i only post when i'm upset or bored, and most of the time i'm too lazy to even accomplish that.
i really only used this place to display pictures but i've found someone else.
so an update is due i suppose. (no emotions required)
i'm going to depaul. i absolutely love it. when used to think about going to college in the city, this is exactly what i pictured. it's in the absolute heart of chicago and everytime i'm there i look around in awe. now the whole school part, eh that's not so cool, and i'm probably going to do horrible, but that's old news anyway. i have two new doggies, mischu and zephyr. about a month or two ago kira past away. it was really sad. we got my baby mischu just days before it happened, it was just bad timing and unfortunate. my mother cannot go on without having a rottweiler so not too long ago she rescued one and i guess we've named her zephyr. she's so much like kira it's eerie. now i live in a zoo and i wouldn't have it any other way. i got a laptop that i'm typing this up on right now, it's pretty badass. i went to lollapalooza, i think i posted something about that, it was incredible. i love flight of the conchords but now it's over and the new season doesn't start till 2008, which seems like forever away. curb your enthusiasm started a week ago, so i have that to live on. i'm reading a biography on che guevara and i am so utterly fascinated by his life, yet completely confused as to what i feel about him. it seems wrong to like him and right to like him at the same time. something new i learned about myself is that i crave knowledge. i can't seem to stop wanting to know more. i'm sure there's other things that have happened and that i'm forgetting. a lot of things are still the same though. i love my friends, though not seeing them as much because it's school time for everyone. been cutting down the drinking lately, because i'm kind of sick and, i don't know, sometimes i like to remember things, haha. other than that, i stil have brown hair, brown eyes, still short, and still a huge dork. surprise!
"homeboy wore combat boots to the beach".
that's exactly what life is. yay.
here's where you can find my photographs from now on.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/happylilbunny/sets/
p.s. the "summer of george' was a complete success.
i messed up the missing of you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 18th, 2007|02:20 pm] |
| [ | current Music |
| | kanye west | ] |
bam.
lollapalooza happened.
i was there.
it was tres awesome.
beyond tresness actually.
fucking, eddie vedder owned all.
everything was incredible.
i love the black keys and i love pearl jam.
i had a blast.
ten million times better than last year.
fo reals.
p.s. DAFT PUNK IS THE SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HUMAN
HUMAN
HUMAN
HUMAN
HUMAN.
( around the world. )
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2007|03:50 pm] |
| [ | current Music |
| | sonic youth | ] |
spiderpig spiderpig, does whatever a spiderpig does.
man i cannot wait till that fucking movie comes out.
anywho.
this past weekend was the faithful event of “whitestock”.
there are literally moments that are completely missing from my memory.
it was sooo much fun though.
i wish every weekend was like that.
god damn hippies.
( you can make it snow in the summer. )
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 2nd, 2007|06:58 pm] |
awwww shit.
here are some more photographs.
that's to be expected.
obviously we are heavily influenced by lindsay lohan and her crazy knife antics.
or we just like knives in general.
enjoy.
girls rule, boys drool.
hahahahahahaah
foseriously.
( that’s a bit fancy. )
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 18th, 2007|11:44 pm] |
| [ | current Music |
| | moros eros | ] |
well i’m sick, what else is new?
i hate coughing and coughing and coughing.
and sounding like lindsay lohan, or LL as some might know her.
my quest for “the summer of george” has been pretty successful thus far.
i love my friends sooooo much!
i'm hoping it can only get better.
my camera is pretty much on it's last limbs.
tape is holding it together.
so uhhh, someone should really do something about that.
peaceeeee outtttt.
( i forgot to remember to forget. )
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| (no subject) |
[May. 31st, 2007|02:26 pm] |
| [ | current Music |
| | the beatles | ] |
mmmmbop.
i don't think i have anything new to talk about these days.
i have a crush on everyone right now though.
hahahaha.
me and shannon have been pretty successful at finding things to do despite the temporary loss of lil mikey.
we rock.
yeah i'm a huge dork.
my doggy has been eating cicadas.
it's funny, but probably not good.
they are evvvvvverrrywheeeeerreee.
stupid cicadas.
( bugs in my pockets. )
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| (no subject) |
[May. 24th, 2007|03:42 pm] |
| [ | current Music |
| | the white stripes | ] |
do i have the worst luck or what?
yesterday (wednesday) was the whole "ladies night" get together for the sox game.
everything was going fine, a little pre-gaming, this and that.
thennnn as we are being ticketed and being searched, who gets busted for having beer on them?
me. yes.
there was five of us and we each brought in one beer.
everyone else gets by except for me.
the hilarious part is that i'm the only one who doesn't even like/drink beer.
if that isn't the definition of irony than i just don't know what is.
hahahaha.
lil mikey is going to love me.
i actually had a good time though, i think we all did except for.. yeah.
i felt bad that because of me, jodie got caught too. but without her i think i would've gotten in a lot more trouble other than just being ejected from the game.
i'm glad that we all pulled together to make the most of it.
if there's anything i've learned in the past few months is just to seriously relax and enjoy life no matter what.
that's my life lesson that will hopefully stay with me forever.
at least now i can say that i've officially been kicked out of a sox game.
hahaha.
in other news,
i spent the majority of last wednesday in the emergency room at good-sam.
i found out i was passing a kidney stone.
probably the worst pain i've ever experienced.
i had a bunch of finals the next day so i was pretty much screwed.
thus why i have decided that i refuse to go back to c.o.d.
so no summer classes for me.
yay!
well, i guess that's it.
lil mikey i misssssss you soo much!
to shannon, kate, and jodie you guys are awesome and i love you all!
pow pow pow.
well you can't be a pimp and a prostitute too.
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| (no subject) |
[May. 15th, 2007|02:12 am] |
| [ | current Music |
| | cold war kids | ] |
wow c.o.d. fooled me yet again.
my classes ended last tuesday and i didn't have work till sunday,
meaning my summer had begun.
it was a blast.
from the past.
i loved seeing everyone.
smiling continuously.
here's the part where that hellish place ruined everything.
i still have finals this tuesday and thursday.
yeah, i'm all about not studying.
i don't even know which finals i have tomorrow.
i should probably get on that.
or not.
i got out of one of the two tickets i received on the trip to memphis.
which is tres bien news, considering i almost lost my license.
plus i don't have to go four hours out of my way to go to court either.
my dad and his lawyer people are awesome.
i just thought of something.
ok ok ok ok ok i know the whole interpreting dreams thing is nonsense.
my old psychology teacher even stressed that dreams are basically like the normal patterns of thoughts we carelessly go through eachday when we are awake, and that most of them are insignificant.
however...
i'm going to go out on a limb here and say that some of my dreams are becoming eerily predictive.
or so i think.
but it happened.
that dream i had a few months ago really did happen.
not in the sense that it occurred or that i was even there, but the most frightening part of that dream actually did happen.
it was so strange to me at the time because i didn't get it and couldn't figure it out.
only that it hurt.
and i guess now it hurts even more because it's really true.
it wasn't just that dream either.
there's more and they all scare me.
and it's all just too real.
yeah i probably am just crazy.
who cares.
i love you and you and you.
( we are north american scum. )
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| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2007|01:08 am] |
| [ | current Music |
| | elvis presley. | ] |
yeah this is fucking ridiculous. i am so upset. ugh, this feeling is indescribable. he found someone new and i'm left here with nothing. maybe i was just too gullible at the time but i believed every word he said. he wanted to live with me, spend every moment with me, even marry me. he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. and i'm the complete idiot because i fell for it all. i thought he was the one. i supposed this is where my naïveté comes in. but if you knew me or even understood me or just pretend you're me for a second you would see how this was anything but a joke to me. i've liked that boy since i was twelve years old, for those twelve years i always wished we could be together. during that whole time he felt the same way toward me. i waited for him for so long. i just couldn't settle for anything less than him. he was it. when things never progressed i thought maybe i should move on. i tried to forget him after highschool but we were brought together again and that's finally when it happened. it was incredible for the most part. it was so comfortable being around him. we liked the same things. everything seemed so easy. almost too easy. that's when things started to fall apart. he kept secrets from me. i became the person i hated. i became that pestering girlfriend who wants to know everything, who wants attention, who wants to spend time with their boyfriend all the time. he became more distant, less attentive, wanting to spend more time with his friends. when he went back to school i didn't trust him. i knew he was lying to me about a lot of things but he kept persistent with his lies, never wanting to back down. but i knew the truth and i always kept that in the back of my mind, i couldn't let it go. why? because i saw him changing into someone else. every now and then we would get a long. every now and then we wouldn't get along though. finally he couldn't take it anymore. that was the end. it was so hard for me. i cried and cried for days, weeks even. what happened to the big picture in mind? that was now destroyed. he broke my heart. we were still friends after though and that seemed to make it better because sometimes we could pretend like everything was ok. but those attachments that we used to have wouldn't be the same anymore as friends and i seemed to always forget that. i still loved him and he still loved me and we were friends, friends who couldn't be together according to him. i desperately tried to think positive and thought that maybe one day we could be together again, that he would see that he really loves me and wants to be with me. i was such a fool. i ruined something i used to treasure so much. i destroyed so much between us. he rarely got to see the good side of me. i didn't mean for it to be that way but i was just so jealous and so wanting him to be mine. but those few times he did see the dana he once fell in love with, he smiled in such a way that it gave me butterflies. eventually our friendship was stressed to it's limits, then came the infamous "break" from each other which ended in us not being friends. yeah yeah yeah, he said that we could try being friends after a year. he said that he would give me my birthday present once he came home. that never happened. it dawned on me that he just said those things to calm me down because i begged him to be friends again. he didn't mean that though. it was just something to say so that i wouldn't hurt myself or something. in a year he's not going to call me up and say, "hey dana, let's hang out." no, that's absolutely not going to happen. why did i believe him? why did i still think things would turn out ok? i guess that's what being credulous really is. i finally started being happy again. starting to get my life together. reacquainting myself with old friends and making new ones at the same time. smiling was becoming easy to do. i started not to care that much about him. i was more concerned with having fun and enjoying life, like i should've been doing this entire time. perhaps if i would've kept this carefree attitude the entire time we were dating instead of losing it within a few months things would have worked out. maybe they wouldn't have. who knows? i'm not god. but seriously, this fucking sucks. he's been the absolute best person to me and the absolute worst person to me. he has done more emotional damage to me than anyone else. i believed everything he said about me. i believed that everything was my fault as he frequently blamed everything on me. i became depressed because of you. i hated myself because of you. he told me that he just didn't want to be in a relationship when we ended things, that it wasn't just me, it's just that he didn't want to be with someone. then what the fuck is this? you call your new girlfriend not wanting to be in a relationship? no wonder you wouldn't tell me who's phone number that was. no wonder you didn't care if we were friends anymore. no wonder you removed me as a friend on facebook. you are just a liar. you always have been. you're sitting there kissing her when the last month we went out you wouldn't even touch me, wouldn't even hold my hand. you made up all this stuff that you didn't want to because you were depressed. that was such a lie. how do you think i felt? i thought something was wrong with me, something was wrong with my body, i thought i wasn't worth anything because i wasn't good enough for you. i became depressed because of you. i have a sleeping disorder because of you. i have anxiety because of you. i was fine before you started ruining everything. i keep on saying 'you' like i'm actually talking to him. he doesn't read this, but i wish i could tell him all of what i just said. to make him really understand what he has done to me. he always gets what he wants and always gets to be happy. i did everything for him, sacrificed myself for him, ruined my social life for him, and i have absolutely nothing to show for it. i have some tears and a broken heart if that's anything. i'm not one of those girls that dates all kinds of guys just for the hell of it. i refuse to settle for anything less than exactly what i want. yeah, i'm probably way too picky, but i just can't bring myself into liking someone because i know that they'll just start to annoy me or i'll just become bored. that's why i never start pointless relationships. but what we had was anything but pointless. that's why i guess i'm still not over everything. and i guess that's why this feels like a knife stabbing me in the heart, slowly trying to kill me. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 2nd, 2007|06:51 pm] |
| [ | current Music |
| | ¡forward russia! | ] |
depaul...uic...loyola?
depaul...uic...loyola?
depaul...uic...loyola?
depaul...uic...loyola?
depaul...uic...loyola?
depaul...uic...loyola?
fuck a duck.
someone please make a decision for me.
a good decision too.
my parents keep on asking me which school i'm going to every single day.
my mom is leaning towards loyola.
my dad is leaning towards depaul.
i probably wouldn't go to loyola just because i'm sure the boy would hate me for it.
i would love to go to uic because i actually know people there.
but depaul probably best suits my major and my minor.
plusssss it's right in the loop, the nicest part of the city.
i don't want to be with stupid rich people though.
i want to actually make friends.
sigh.
i'm starting to think that if i do go to depaul i don't want a dorm.
i really want to live in an apartment.
then i can bring my puppy.
but i don't know who i'd get one with.
i have too much to think about that concerns awful deadlines and choices that must be made soon.
so how about that actual school i'm in which i still haven't done homework for...
yeah, i should probably get started on that.
the hissing of watches and the ticking of clocks .
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 23rd, 2007|10:09 pm] |
| [ | current Music |
| | mewithoutyou | ] |
memphis tennessee bitches.
absolutely wonderful.
i got a speeding ticket.
my third one.
now court?
ah yes.
we went at a perfect time.
mad happenings going on downtown.
saw an elvis impersonator.
got a hotel in arkansas.
danced to avril lavigne.
shannon and i found some southern folk.
stuff was consumed.
the following day....
mother
fucking
graceland.
i love elvis presley way too much.
i was in heaven.
found a sonic on the way home.
um, then i shot a man.
( a little more bite and a little less bark. )
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 12th, 2007|02:55 pm] |
| [ | current Music |
| | kings of leon | ] |
hola.
i am muy excited right now,
why?
effing pearl jam and the black keys are playing lollapalooza!
my two favvvvvvorite bands in one place and i am seriously going to do something stupid.
lil mikey did i not tell you that if both of them played how i would go backstage?
yeah.
i’m going to get arrested or something, it’s inevitable.
i’m sooooo excited!
plus the effing yeah yeah yeahs, kings of leon, my morning jacket, interpol, patti smith, tv on the radio, and sean lennon are going to be there.
sauce-some.
in other news,
nicole richie totally has bangs now too, which means we seriously are sisters or something. haha.
and i got accepted to one college so far.
that makes me happy.
everything is going very well now.
if you’re down i will lend you some happiness.
tehe.
now i must leave for hell.
( get the guns out. )
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 18th, 2007|11:15 pm] |
| [ | current Music |
| | pearl jam | ] |
i shouldn't have said anything.
i screwed everything up by saying one little thing.
our "break" would have ended next saturday.
but i fucked everything up.
now we're not friends.
he said he'll consider being my friend after a year.
a year of no talking, no nothing.
i wish that meant something.
i know that he won't care after a year.
he'll be completely different.
he won't even remember me after a year.
i'm not going to mean anything to him after a year.
i'm seriously the biggest idiot.
i always screw up.
i can't do anything right.
i can't even keep my best friend.
i hate myself so much now.
i know i complain about him but he's the closest thing i've had to anything.
he was more than just my first love.
he was something that i've never had.
i've never had so much in common with anyone in my life.
we were the same person.
and i won't have that ever again.
this is going to destroy me.
i can't think.
i can't focus.
i only cry.
god.
why the fuck would he care after a year?
i am no point.
we were the best of friends, i'll go nowhere.
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 14th, 2007|05:08 pm] |
| [ | current Music |
| | sonic youth | ] |
i’m trying to do this stupid paper.
this is getting in the way.
i’ve been trying to apply to real colleges.
it stinks.
i really hope i get accepted somewhere, it’s making me nervous.
i love lil mikey, mike, and j to the money for being there for me. they don’t know it, but they’ve helped me more than they realize.
i got into a fight with evan again today.
big surprise.
i think i finally get the picture that he just doesn’t care.
doesn’t want to be friends.
he yelled at me.
all he does is yell at me.
i wonder if he realizes what he does to me...
if he sees that i suffer because of this sub-human treatment?
i don’t think he cares,
or else he would stop,
or else he would make sure i’m okay,
instead of hurting me again and again.
he really doesn’t care.
and i allow it.
he makes me feel like i shouldn’t even be alive.
thanks for making my life suck.
( stained eyes searching for another way out. )
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 27th, 2007|12:36 pm] |
| [ | current Music |
| | rilo kiley | ] |
another update so soon?
yes.
these pictures are from the josh groban concert.
amazing music.
horrible pictures.
who wants to take a photography class with me?
lil mikey, if you're reading this, i'm not at school. you should be proud of me because it's all going downhill from here. haha.
bonaroo anyone?
( it's not worth saving, when you say wait. )
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poco_dino's journal